What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 06:25
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I think the readers, may guess!
What are your funniest "lost in translation" moments if you grew up speaking more than one language?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do men think all women are the same?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I don,t even have a pension.
She loved him until the end.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Who then, do I blame.?
Is Twilight appropriate for a 12-year-old?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What is your age now, and what age do you prefer to stay at forever?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Have you been with a stranger yet?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Does Taylor Swift actually play the guitar, or is it a prop?
Ive learnt so much.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Can you tell me something about yourself?
We all went to grammer schools
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
I waited trembling.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
All the time i was locked up.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I could never make a relationship work though!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was scared of men, in general
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I have no regrets .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was in good health!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot live in the past .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My life is so biszare .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Comes on , in middle age.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
We were not on the streets..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Would this be the day?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He knew the spot.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was 9 years of age.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years